


black butterflies and deja vu

by japonaiserie



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Drabble, Light Angst, M/M, Quiet, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-05-06 22:29:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14657532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/japonaiserie/pseuds/japonaiserie
Summary: "what would you say if you could say everything you needed to, to the one you needed to?"





	black butterflies and deja vu

**Author's Note:**

> hello this is my first fic and it's only a short one. im hoping it'll make sense to you and that you enjoy reading! :))

by 5 pm, sometimes earlier, sometimes later than that, mostly it's when the skies begin to really bleed, the horizon knifes the sun in half, the lights come on and it gets really quiet.

jeno would see through the bus window, watch for a while, stuck in momentary traffic, those who had their heads hung low, brooding, cramped inside the four walls of an air-conditioned room—pure white coat but looks nothing like heaven, serene but never a pretty sight.

 

before doyoung hyung moved to a waterfront city for his tertiary education, he used to drop by jeno's school and drive him home. jeno made very few friends back in high school, so he really had no reason to stay out late. not that the other boys weren't likeable. their interests simply never coincided with his.

jeno moved in a different current, a current which doyoung hyung understood fairly well. he was the first, hyung was, but definitely wasn't the last.

"crazy" hyung had uttered suddenly under his breath.

jeno would look at him but think of nothing; his mind goes blank as the winds whipped at the car while it cruised through the freeway and filled the silence.

"one day, that's gonna be us."

as if on cue, they stopped in front of the timid brick building, just a few meters from it. jeno got unwanted shivers thinking about how near they were and how a few layers of metal and concrete were the only means of separation he had from that small crowd and that big box they had in front of them.

"not that i'm anticipating it. just a random thought, i guess."

sometimes jeno didn't pay mind to these things—about anything, for the most part, that involves the end. if doyoung hyung wanted to talk about it that's about the only time he offered it attention.

 

but today, he didn't need anyone to provide him this little piece of reality, partly because hyung wasn't there anymore. today, the thought stimulates itself.

it is today when he really notices it, the feeling he's been trying to avoid so bad coming in tidal waves and almost suffocating him, had it bottled up for weeks, maybe even months. it's heavy in his chest and fills his lungs all the way to the brim.

 

the car began to move again.

on that day hyung had asked, perhaps hoping for an actual answer, "what do you plan on doing after graduation?"

"i don't know," was all jeno could reply.

"well, you have the rest of your life to figure it out."

that really depends, if there will be any more life to live after this moment.

 

5:59, the clock on his phone reads. the city's alive, gets pretty busy during the night than it does when the sun is suspended way up there.

he wishes that he could forget, but jeno doesn't know where his impeccable memory stands. was it a talent? a gift? some days, jeno can't make sense of anything.

it really depends. everything does, _depends_.

 

"if you will it enough, it's bound to come true."

"that's not always the case. some things take a little more than just wishing or praying for" jaemin had said. "if you love someone, for example, do you believe that just thinking about them will bring them closer to you?"

jeno shrugged, "maybe." you're here, he wanted to say.

 

memories were ugly things, jeno thought. was it bad to wish for amnesia?

he couldn't avert his eyes even if he wanted to. it's just there, sitting, lid up—mouth ajar—ready to swallow the world whole. it must be expensive, polished wood with a notable sheen on it, brass handles, and intricate carvings. whoever's in it must be looking down on them, nodding in approval for the "great job they did with the decor." an explosion of carnations everywhere. they all look fresh, even him, who's probably spent a good amount of time in the morgue before being prepped for the grand finale.

 

6:04, jeno sees on his wrist watch.

he wants to vomit or cry or scream so loud his throat rips and blood comes gushing out and makes him choke.

jesus, why?

 

"everytime i close my eyes, it feels like home," jaemin had said, head resting on jeno's shoulder.

the older boy offered him a questioning look, his thumb unconsciously drawing circles on jaemin's wrist.

only jaemin understood his silence.

he slipped his fingers between jeno's, his grip firm. "i could only imagine the places where you'd be."

 

the bus propels forward. jeno jerks in the same direction and gasps before regaining his balance. he notices how his breath quivers, notices how he sniffles after, notices how people are looking at him. _shit_.

his cheeks feel cold. when he touches his face, the skin beneath his eyes is moist.

dropping his gaze, jeno tries to gulp down the feeling of embarrassment. he wipes his cheek against his sleeve.

it's becoming more difficult to cope day after day.

when they move pass the stop light, before turning the corner, jeno steals one final glance at the parlor.

the lights dim down. the candles are blown out. the visit is over.

 

 _i want to say i think about you all day but i wish it was enough. i wish it was enough to bring you home_.


End file.
